By Jordyn Glaser
“The Life Letters” is an ongoing pro-life series designed to encourage foster and adoptive parents and provide inspiration and insight to all pro-life readers.
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The second Wednesday of every month a small group of fellow foster and adoptive moms gather at a local coffee shop for a few hours. We found a place with spacious farmhouse tables and strong coffee and made it our unofficial clubhouse. We have no agenda, no curriculum, and no plan other than just being together.
At our most recent meeting we went around the table sharing the wins and the struggles we had experienced over the last month. As the conversation circled around to me I placed my warm mug back on its saucer and leaned in with a smile on my face.
“Oh ladies, I’ve got a good one for you this month.”
Our youngest two children are considered artificial twins. Esme and Abel are only a few months apart and in true little brother fashion Abel commits himself tirelessly to mastering the art of copycatting his siblings. Since Esme is the closest sibling in age Abel has firmly set his sights on her every move. And honestly his commitment level was impressive.
One evening Esme came to me and asked if we could go through her adoption memory box. I had been preparing my heart for this moment since we started the adoption process. In an attempt to navigate this moment gracefully I created a box filled with journal entries from before Esme was born, pictures with her birth mom, cards from her baby shower, and adoption paperwork. The most important part of this box is that it is always available to her.
We sat on her small twin bed covered with her pink Moana comforter and quietly looked through the pieces of her story. She asked tender questions and I reverently returned answers the best I could. She began to tear up as she grasped the reality of her loss that goes hand in hand with our joy. After some time she crawled onto my lap with her head on my shoulder and the conversation turned to the beauty of how God built our family and the depth of the love our family has for her. She giggled as we flipped through pictures and I told her stories from when she was a baby. My heart felt full and I was proud and relieved at the victory we had experienced.
Finally when it came time to go to bed we tucked away the special pieces back into the box and placed it on her nightstand. We said our prayers and as I began to wrap the blankets snuggly around her tiny body I had a thought pop into my head.
“You and I had such a special night tonight but just keep in mind that Abel doesn’t have any information about his birth mom so that’s something we will just need to be sensitive of— okay?”
With those words Esme’s face suddenly hardened—almost to a comical level. “Abel has a birth mom?”
The question caught me off guard because not only are we incredibly open about adoption and intentional about honoring our children’s origin stories, but also because Abel is 100% Asian, and I am 100% not—so yes, he definitely has a birth mom.
“Ummm, Yes, Abel has a birth mom.”
She pursed her lips and her nostrils expanded as she took a deep breath.
“He COPIED me?!”
It was at that moment I knew our special bonding time was officially over and it was time for bed.
Support System
Over the years of coffee dates our support group has shared a lot of brokenness and a lot of beauty. We have ugly cried together, begged desperately for prayer, and in the case of this specific story we laughed until our eyes watered. These women know me—and my mess—and have chosen to stay.
In Exodus 17 we see the story of Israel going to battle with Amalek. In the story we learn that as long as Moses can hold up his staff Joshua and his army will have victory over the enemy. One important thing we can learn from this story is the support given from Aaron and Hur to ensure victory. Joshua was actively in the battle and the outcome was fully dependent on Moses. But it was Aaron and Hur who showed up and did what they could to make the victory possible. They could not take the staff from Moses, that was his burden to carry, but they could come alongside him and support him.
There will be time in adoption and fostering that we are in the role of Moses from this story. The task we have been called to is hard, we will grow weary, and we will need support to keep going. There will also be times when we find ourselves in the role of Aaron and Hur and it is our turn to step up and hold up the arms of those in need.
Find Your People
My coffee group is a special village that speaks a unique language and relates to one another on a different level. We connect in ways that most people may never understand because we are running races and fighting battles that most will never be a part of—and that’s okay. It doesn’t matter exactly how many people we have in our village but the important thing is that we find our people. People who truly see us and know us. People who are willing to walk out the hard and weather the storm through the hurt. We need people who can sip coffee while talking about complex trauma, discuss detoxing from drug exposure, recommend their favorite occupational therapist, or relate to navigating a tough diagnosis. We need people who cheer us on, listen quietly, or show up with meals. We need people to come alongside and hold up our arms when we get weary, because we will, and just as importantly we need to do the same for others.
God designed us for fellowship.
We need one another.
We aren’t meant to walk this journey alone—so don’t try to.
