It Haunts Me

My abortion at Eugene-Springfield Planned Parenthood

By Mariana

It was July 2014 when I knew I was pregnant. I made an appointment with [Planned Parenthood] and they confirmed it. The staff member (I’ll call her Heather) asked what I planned on doing and I told her that I did not know. She asked if I had told anybody else or if I had any support and I told her no. She then told me that I had options and that I could have an abortion. Just the way she said it made me say no, but I said I’ll think about it. She told me I could contact her anytime.

A couple weeks go by and I still have not told anybody. I get a text from Heather asking how I was doing. I replied and told her that I was okay and just not sure what I should do. Her text said, “I can help you make an appointment for an abortion.” I never did reply.

A week later Heather sent another text reminding me that I was 10 weeks pregnant and that I should make a decision. I never did reply.

I cried the next few nights. I could not have a baby. My mom and dad would be beyond mad, my friends would look at me in a different way, and school would be harder. I texted Heather and told her I needed some help. She replied within minutes, asking me what I needed help with. I told her I needed an abortion appointment. I still remember texting and sending that message. I still remember where I was when I hit the send button.

The appointment was August 25, 2014. Heather offered me a ride to Eugene, as I had no way of driving there. She was to pick me up at the park just down the road from my house as I didn’t want my parents knowing anything. I arrived at the park and saw Heather, but I never did walk over to her. I texted her and told her I couldn’t do it and walked off. She asked if she could meet me so that we could talk and, after a couple of hours, I told her I was okay with that. We ended up talking at the park, just a hundred yards from all these kids playing at the playground. The conversation was beyond strange, just the way she was telling me everything would be okay and that women do this all the time.

The new appointment was September 5, 2014. Heather would again help me out with the transportation. This time I did end up getting in her vehicle.

The drive wasn’t long, but it felt like forever. It felt like a cage. Heather and I talked but I do not remember what we talked about.

We went to Planned Parenthood in Eugene, a building that is nothing but death.

Security checked us in. After 30 minutes in the waiting room I was called on back. Heather asked if I wanted her with me, but I told her no. I had the ultrasound and they said I was 13 weeks. I asked the nurse if I could see the ultrasound and she told me no due to a policy they have.

I was given two pills to dilate my cervix. Before I took them, I had to sign yet another paper that said the two pills could cause birth defects. I signed the paper, took the pills, and did my best not to cry. I was put in another room with a few other girls.

After an hour or so, I was called back. The nurse instructed me on everything and told me that the doctor would be in soon.

I took my clothing off, put on that ugly green robe, and got on the exam table. I just sat in that room, cried for a minute, and told myself to calm down, that this will be over soon.

The nurse came back in and gave me an IV. The doctor came in. I was expecting a female doctor, but I ended up getting some 40-year-old man.

I remember placing my legs in the stirrups, knowing what would happen next. My job was to protect my baby. Instead, I let this doctor kill it.

I came close to crying, but the nurse calmed me down. I asked the nurse if my baby would feel any pain and she told me that it was just tissue and that the doctor was only removing the contents from my uterus. The nurse asked if I was ready to be put to sleep. I said yes.

The next thing I know I was in the recovery room. I was in a little pain, but not much. It was the first time ever that I was fully aware of my uterus. I felt like I could feel all of it. I cried a lot for the next few weeks. I knew I had killed my baby. I did my best in hiding my emotions. I contacted Heather about my problems, but she ended up giving me a phone number for another counselor. I felt like I was pushed into the decision after she told me that.

Several months later I made myself look for the sonogram photos. I decided to look at a web page I could trust, WebMD. I did a search and the picture I looked at instantly made me cry in absolute pain! I had had a baby in me!

A year later and I should have a child. I know I would have been okay. I know my parents would have supported me and I know my friends would still love me. But, none of that will ever happen because I killed my baby. I am full of regret. I will always be full of regret. I have talked with my pastor about all of this and he has helped me out greatly.

I still have not told my parents or any of my friends. I’m not sure I ever will. Telling my pastor was hard enough, but at least I have told somebody and I do have support.

I wrote all of this so that everybody knows that this “choice” is one of the worst decisions you can make. It will haunt you and destroy you and you will be full of regret. Making the choice on killing a baby is not natural. Everything about it is a complete lie.

I know that God has forgiven me. I know that God knows that I was stuck in a situation where I felt like I only had one choice, and that people who helped me out never told me the complete truth. [Visit to read Mariana’s unedited story and for additional information and other stories.]

What are YOU willing to do for life this year?


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